Not-so Bon Voyage

I realize it’s been a while since I last posted. I realized this after multiple multiple subscribers emailed me about it. I’m feeling the love, guys!!

Here goes:

I’m currently on a one way flight to Los Angeles. Yep, I finally decided to move to California after 5 years of whining about Wisconsin.

Needless to say my dad’s freaking out. Here’s what happened last night:

6pm: Lecture #1: Finding a job.

Dad: “Meemee, what’s the plan on finding a job?”

Me: (anticipating this lecture and excited to lay out my 5 point plan) “Well first I’m going to get a feel for the area and …”

Dad:  (interrupting) “How are you going to get around?”

Me: “Well I’m going to use Maryam (my sister’s) car.”

Dad: “You’ll have to pay for gas. Don’t pay for gas get someone else to drive you in their car.”

Me: (Not wanting to argue) “Ok fine I’ll ask a friend to drive me.”

Dad: “Which friend?”

Me: “I DON’T KNOW probably Stacy.”

Dad: “No not Stacy, she’ll ask you for money.”

Me: “Oh my god ok fine then who??”

Dad: “I don’t know, this is your plan you figure it out.”

OK so I’m already fuming.

8p: Lecture #2: Finding a boyfriend

Dad: “You need to go on these dating sites. This boy at my work he’s 30 and he found this nice girl.”

Me: “Dad, guys on those sites are losers. They lie about everything.”

Dad: “No this girl was everything she said she would be.”

Me: “Ok fine that’s one case. But my friends have been on dates with guys who lied about their height and how much they make.”

Dad: “No, this boy at my work he didn’t lie. He’s very tall and he’s an engineer he makes good money.”

Me: “OKAY DAD I GET IT THE BOY YOU WORK WITH DIDN’T LIE.”

Dad: “Yes so go on that site and you can pick what salary, what height, etc.”

Me: “Ok but I’m telling you I’d rather meet people in real life.”

Dad: “No but this boy at my work he’s good he’s just shy but you could have met him in real life but now he has a girlfriend.”

Ok dad thanks for pointing out that I blew it with a random stranger I had no interest in.

10p: Final Lecture: Packing

Dad: “Meemee, you know the suitcase can only weigh 50 lbs.”

Me: “Yeah I know this weighs 43lb I weighed it.”

Dad: (Lifting the suitcase) “No, this weighs almost 50 lbs. Definitely around 45 lbs.”

Me: “I know that’s what I just..”

Dad: “Definitely around 45 lb, I’ll weigh it.”

Dad: (weighing package) “Yep I was right, it’s 43 lb right around 45 lb like I said. I was right.”

Me: “You know dad, I’m not going to miss these lectures.”

Dad: “Well don’t forget I can always call you.”

Tehrangeles Dreamin’

So the greatest tragedy and simultaneously best thing happened: my sister moved to California.

Now calm down everyone- I obviously miss my sister x10000000, but she was always the favorite…. until she brought shame upon our house.

We had family FaceTime, two weeks after her departure. I’ll save you the long convo and give you the highlights. First sentence is what I (a sane person) heard her say, second sentence in italics is what my dad (not sane) heard her say:

• She’s living with her friend’s boyfriend but they have some apartment prospects.
  • She’s living on the streets just waiting to be kidnapped and murdered.
• Jobless for the moment but luckily has a lot of savings.
  • Too interested in being a “beach bum” and has no intention of working.
• Frequently gives food to the homeless people around.
  • Has now made friends with homeless people who will eventually kidnap and murder her.
• Has been making a lot of friends.
  • Too focused on hanging with her psychopath homeless friends to find a job.
• Her car is working fine and it has already proved useful
• Is using all of her money on gas in LA traffic and will definitely get into an accident soon.
• Has been delinquent in getting an oil change.

This is already paying off for me. Last week I asked for money (don’t judge me you know you got money from your parents when you were in your 20s too). 

Me: “Baba can I have money for groceries this week?”

Dad: “Yes my princess who didn’t leave me you can have whatever you want”.

😇😇😇😇

Oh Say Can You See a Very Disturbed FOB

Now I may offend some of you so I apologize in advance…. but if any of you are foreign I’ve already offended you several times so you’ll have to deal with it.

I was considering dating someone who was in the military a little while ago. From what I’ve seen, normal American dads LOVE military men. After all, we are the land of the free and the home of the brave. Iranian men beg to differ.

Dad: “Meemee, these people want to shoot people.”

Me: “Dad stop, he’s been out for 2 years.”

Dad: “Listen, you like to go to a brunch on Sunday, he like to shoot people on a Sunday.”

Me: “That’s not true!! He’s very nice.”

Dad (listening to nothing I’ve said): “You go out with your friends at night, they go out at night and kill people. You enjoy going to the gym, they enjoy going to a village and shooting it up.”

Me: “Dad… no.”

Dad: “Meemee I’m telling you. These people, these people they love to kill. They kill all day long. Then they come back to this country and they all messed up. They wake up in the middle of the night to any sound and guess what, they shoot YOU in the head. They will shoot YOU.”

Me (now realizing that I need to make light of the situation or I’m going to get very mad): “Dad I’m thinking about signing up for the military to serve my country…”

Dad (blank expression… something between having a heart attack and having to go #2, walks away yelling): “Ann (my mom), you talk to your daughter. These kids, they are sick.”

Haha :).

Does This Photo Shoot Make Me Look Fat?

Text from my sister:

Sis: “Dad just made me do a photo shoot of him from different angles so he could have pictures on his new phone”
Me: “HAHAHA like of him or of you??”
Sis: “Of himself I was like why do you want these he’s like ‘you know sometimes you need pictures of yourself for things on your phone'”.

 

No actually we don’t know, dad. 

If Life is Highway, I’m Screwed

Sometimes our family is faced with great challenges. We go through hard times, we sacrifice, and we survive. But one problem reigns king above the rest. One problem plagues my dad’s mind 24/7, infecting his every thought, every action, every nagging phone call. That problem: the mileage I’m putting on my car.

Dad: Meena, do you know how many miles you put on your car this week? Fifty miles. FIFTY MILES. Where did you go? Why you driving so much? Can’t you get your friends to drive you using their cars?

First of all, I know I’m in trouble when he calls me by my full first name. Second of all,… wtf.

Me: Dad I’m just driving to and from work!

Third of all, you know I’m irritated when I call him “dad” instead of “baba”.

Dad: Well next time you ask your coworkers if they can drive you on their way. Just say “oh hello can you drive me to work today my car isn’t working”. 

Me: DAD none of them live close to me!! I’m not going to ask them to drive at least 15 mins out of their way to come get me.

Dad: Why not? Don’t they like you?

… no words.

YMCAlex

Ok so my dad loves the YMCA. A lot. Why does he love the YMCA? Because every Monday he plays basketball with a bunch of 6’5″ college bros and he loves it more than anything. Why else does he love the YMCA? Because they have a sauna, a whirlpool, and apparently the best men’s locker room ever (which I can neither confirm nor deny since I will never actually see it).

But these aren’t the real reasons. The #1 reason? The front desk worker: Alex. Alex is a retired teacher who sits at the front desk all day scanning IDs. My dad is obsessed with him. I literally have no idea why, but I’ve been in his shadow all my life.

• Freshman year of college my dad told me to get a job at the YMCA so I could work with Alex.
• Sophomore year I changed my major and the only reason my dad approved was because that was Alex’s major in college.
• My first year out of college I jumped from job to job and my dad told me to be more like Alex and get a stable job.

For 2 years after that I never heard about Alex. I thought he was behind me. Then this happened:

(On the phone):

Me: HI MOM GUESS WHAT I GOT A JOB AS A PERSONAL TRAINER YAYYYYY
Mom: Aw that’s so awesome!!!! I’m so proud of you!
Dad in background: What?? What she saying?? She need money?
Mom: No she got a job at a gym
Dad: Very good that’s just like Alex!!!! See I told her, I always told her get a job like Alex he love his job he is so happy!

You win again, Alex. 

The Luck of the Garlic

“Hey Meemee, you know there was a gaelic fest this weekend”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah why you don’t invite your father to that?”
“One- don’t guilt trip me I’m not 15 anymore, two- you’re not in Milwaukee, three- I didn’t know about it, four- do you even know what gaelic is?”
“Yes I eat it every day what you think???”
“….. do you mean garlic?”

He meant garlic. He thought it was a big party where everyone made garlic dishes. No wonder he was so fomo.

This Can’t Be Healthy

I don’t see my dad a lot these days, but when I finally get to talk to him it’s well worth the wait:
“Hi dad, what did you do today?”
“Oh well I’m going to the gym in an hour”
“Oh fun! Gonna go for a run?”
“No I have to do some reading and then maybe sauna and then my friend is coming there we gonna go in the whirlpool.”

In short…
Things my dad does at the gym:
-sauna
-whirlpool
-socialize
-“read”

Things he doesn’t do:
-any physical activity of any kind

Pumping Irony

Saw my dad for the first time in a while. First thing out of his mouth:

“Meemee, your arms look big.”
“Dad it’s muscle, I’ve been trying to strengthen my weak arms.”
“That’s what a boy do.”
“Girls do it too! I can barely lift 5 lbs- that’s not ok.”
“What you want to lift? You’re my princess you don’t have to lift things.”

Now you may be like “awwwwww your dad loves you” after that, but wait for it. Wait for it… Five seconds later:

“You know, no boy want to marry a girl who look like a boy. You know that.”

Aaaand there it is.

Stereotypical

There is a cafe by my apartment that I love to go to. My favorite spot is at this table that faces the street, because I’m a creep and I like to people watch. (FYI I don’t go there only to people watch, it’s more just me displaying my multi-tasking skills).

Anyway just now, as I was people watching, I saw this dark haired man park his sleek white BMW in the loading zone out front so he could run in and grab a coffee. 

While waiting for his drink, he kept obsessively looking over my shoulder out the window at his car. And if I weren’t Iranian and knew what personal space was, I would say that he was definitely in my personal space. He would then look out the window, walk back to wait for his drink, look back at the window, and then sprint out the door to look inside his car. He did this many many times in the 5 minutes he was waiting. His bizarre behavior, along with the smell of the new Gucci men’s cologne clogging my olfactory senses made me think “I wonder if he’s Iranian…”

He sprinted out one last time to look inside his car, and then proceeded to tap on the glass. A little fluffy white dog appeared inside the car, jumping up and down. He smiled at the dog and then walked back in.

Let’s review:

1. Fluffy white puppy
2. White BMW
3. Gucci Cologne by the ton

 

Definitely Iranian.